Making Changes MenuMind & Consciousness MenuTalk Therapy MenuEducation & Learning MenuHealthy Relationships MenuAutism Spectrum MenuAddictions, Risk, and Recovery MenuWeight & Fitness MenuHuman Personality MenuScientific Method Menu
the Aloneness Men Rarely Talk About:
the Things We Don't Tell Women

A Workshop for Men of Courage
Making Our Work Space Safe


No one can learn, grow, or heal without connecting. Further, no one can connect in an unsafe space, whether this space is physically unsafe, intellectually unsafe, emotionally unsafe, or spiritually unsafe.

Luckily, we are men. This means we each have within us the ability to make our spaces safe. Please keep this in mind today, and let's together share the responsibility of being each other's "keepers," "guides," "brothers," and "guardians."

How can we do this?

First, we can do this by tapping into the love and strength we each have within us, using this love and strength to remain as connected to each other as we possibly can before, during, and after we each share. In this way, we each consciously witness without judgment each other's struggles.

Second, we can do this by focusing on, and limiting our work to our own, personal experiences and ideas, limiting our sharing to our thoughts and feelings about ourselves as men.

Third, we can do this by simply noticing, without judgment, the times when we ourselves "disconnect" or in Ed's and my words, when we each experience "aloneness." More so, when you do notice these "disconnection's," please be gentle with yourselves and then, as best you can, share about what just happened to you with the group.

Fourth, as we explore today, please try to notice how being connected to each other affects us so much more than hearing the ideas and beliefs we talk about or in other words, being told the "content." What I am suggesting here is to, as best you can, try to be connected to what you share, and to the other men present. And again, when and if you do feel disconnected, please do your best to share this with the group and then ask the men present for help reconnecting.

What I have been trying to say is, ideas are beautiful, and we all have some beautiful ideas. More important, we each have the power to see the beauty in these ideas even at times when we are alone. However, in order to be able to see the beauty in people, we need to be connected to them. This is not a short coming. This is just human nature, the way we each work. Let's try today, then, as best we can, to focus on connecting to each other, as people, and as men, knowing it is only through these connections that we can truly see the beauty in each other.

Finally, as we explore today, please try to be easy on yourselves, and on each other, especially if and when you find that you, or someone else, has not managed to live up to what may seem to be "the obviously better way."

None of us are perfect, but this does not negate the value and courage of our attempts. In fact, it only increases these values. Thus, here again, if you see a shortcoming, in yourself, or in someone else, please do your best to focus on seeing the person rather than the shortcoming; on "connecting" rather than on "correcting."
Today's Focus: Exploring How "What We Don't Tell Women" Keeps Us From Connecting
A couple once came to me for marital therapy and told me they were very close to getting divorced. The reason? The husband had once, three years prior, suggested his wife would feel better if she lost a few pounds.

Now you would think there was more to this story, but actually, despite my pushing and prodding, they continued to tell me that this event was the main problem; the single terrible "wrong" that the husband had done to his wife.

Of course, we all know this couple must have had more going on than just the husband's having been a bit too truthful one day. Even so, many men feel guarded and careful when women ask them sensitive topics.

What topics are you sensitive about with women? Are there things you outright do refuse to discuss? And are there things you regularly and frequently lie about to women?

This, then, is where we will begin today, by exploring what topics we feel uncomfortable talking about to women, starting with the main source and focus for these negative attitudes; our fathers.
[Question # 1]

Begin by picturing a time, real or imagined, wherein a woman (your wife, girlfriend, mother, boss, daughter, friend) is asking your father a question you felt he could not or did not want to answer honestly, at least to a woman.

In this scene, the women could be asking him something about how he thinks she looks, such as, "Do I look fat?" or "Does this dress look good on me?" Or she may be asking him something about how he felt about other women, something like, "Am I as sexy as so-and-so?" or "Are you attracted to her?"

Now allow this scene to begin to play out, watching it as if it were an unfolding movie playing on the screen in your mind. As you watch, try to remember all the details of what you see and feel, including the words she uses and the expressions on both their faces.

Finally, write below what this experience was like AND how you felt as you heard your father being asked a question he didn't want to discuss.

(Think quietly about this experience for a few moments, then please write what you saw below.)

 

 

(Share our answers with each other)

[Question #2]
Now imagine this scene continues, but now the man is you not your father, and you give the woman what appears to be the "wrong" answer, at least for her.

Or you may imagine that rather than the wrong answer, you outright lie to this woman.

Either way, allow this scene to continue to play out in your head, noting all the details of what you see, hear, sense, and feel, the whole script of what goes on.

Now write below what this experience was like AND how you felt as you gave her your answer.

(Picture quietly this experience for a few moments, then please write what you saw below.)

 

 

(Share our answers with each other)

[Question #3]
This time, imagine a woman is again asking you a provocative question, one you do not really want to discuss. This time, though, you risk an argument and tell her the truth.

Now imagine your fear comes true; you get into a terrible argument.

Now imagine it is days later, and she is asking you to once more explain your answer.

Do you tell her the truth again? Do you lie to her, or make up some blend of the truth and a lie?

Now allow this scene to fully play out, noting the whole script of what you see and feel. Then write below what this experience was like for you AND how you felt as you hard her ask the dangerous question once more.

(Picture quietly this experience for a few moments, then please write what you came up with below.)

 

 

(Share our answers with each other)

[Question #4]
Now try picturing a time, real or imagined, wherein your mother is talking to you about the one thing you never wanted to talk to her about.

Now allow this scene to fully play out, noting the whole script of what you see and feel.

Finally, write below what this experience was like AND how you felt as you heard your mother ask you the question you never wanted to be asked.

(Please picture quietly this experience for a few moments, then please write what you imagined below.)

 

 

(Share our answers with each other)

[Question #5]
Finally, take a few moments to briefly describe what you have recognized, learned, realized, or revisited today about what you don't tell women.

(Picture quietly this question for a few moments, then please write what you imagined below.)









(Share our answers with each other)

On Taking What You've Learned Out Into The World
I have been to many workshops. Always, the leader ends by suggesting something like that we make an effort to carry out into the world what we have learned. However, and I know this may shock many men, what I have found to be true is that no man can do this. Why? Because we access what we learn only when we are connected to another.

What does this mean? It means that when you find yourself struggling to put into words what happened today, don't blame yourself. Just know that in order to carry what you discovered today out into the world, you need do nothing more than picture what we did while at the same time, connecting to another. This, after all, is what we explored today.

Please be gentle with yourselves when you again forget this lesson. We all do. After all, our Creator designed learning to connect to be a life long journey.

And good luck to each of you as you continue your journeys.



Books by Steven Paglierani

Solving the
Mind-Body
Mystery

Finding Personal Truth Book I: Solving the Mind-Body Mystery

Buy Now Online

download free Book I - Solving the Mind Body Mystery excerpt

Hardcover ($29.95)
Also in eBook ($9.99) at:

Amazon

Barnes & Noble

Amazon UK

Unraveling
Human
Nature

Finding Personal Truth Book II: Unraveling Human Nature

Order Now Online

download free Book II - Unraveling Human Nature excerpt

Hardcover ($29.95)
Also in eBook ($9.99) at:

Amazon

Barnes & Noble

Amazon UK

The Science
of
Discovery

Finding Personal Truth Book III: The Science of Discovery: the Birth of a New Scientific Method

Coming
December 2015


Emergence Alliance logo


October 30, 2004
the Aloneness Men Rarely Talk About: What We Don't Tell Women
© 2003, Steven Paglierani. All rights reserved

hits counter