Often in my work with people, I get provoked into a new emergence, a new realization which permanently alters my character or at least one which leaves me with a thought provoking question. This happened recently when someone told me she had realized what people put in personal ads about themselves is largely "what they want to be" rather than "who they are."
Is she right? Is what people put in personal ads largely wishful thinking? Probably. What interested me more here, though, was what motivated her to say this in the first place. She had been commenting on how difficult it is to know whether someone is compatible with someone else, romantically, before meeting them and just from a personal ad. Obviously, she had been at least partially motivated by her desire to understand romantic attraction, at least to the point wherein she could help herself to find someone.
Is her want possible? Can people understand romantic attraction to the point where they can know before meeting someone if there is chemistry?
To the degree she or most of us would like this to be possible, probably not. We humans, like our weather, are just too complex to account for the infinite numbers of combinations. What about all the books and teachers who infer this is possible, saying for example, we marry our parents or with the "images" of our parents or, we hook up with our unfinished business?
Both ideas are obviously true to some degree. In fact, I would say, they are true to a significant degree. Still, can these ideas alone explain romantic attraction?
Obviously not. If so, we would be romantically attracted to everyone with whom we shared these commonalities; certainly a heck of a lot of people. Normally though, people are not romantically attracted to a lot of people. Nor are they attracted to a lot of people as friends, at least in the deeper sense of this word. Further, the afore mentioned complexity of human interactions requires lifetimes to understand, so even if we could use it to comprehend attraction, it would still remain beyond the grasp of us normal folk.
Is there something we can easily grasp and use to help us to at least begin to understand this complex topic? Yes. What I am about to offer is just such a tool. In fact, it is so easy to grasp and to see that it is a wonder to me this idea has not been put forth a long time ago. Perhaps this is just the point though. People rarely trust simple explanations except when they are desperate. Further, people often mistake complexity for a measure of truth. This said, what about the tool I just mentioned? Before describing this tool and especially for those who have not read my visual article on child development with regard to relationships (seeing an "us") nor my article entitled "Defining Mental Illness: a More loving Perspective", I offer the following background.
Child Development: Becoming Conscious of an "Us"
To begin with, all major relationship connections get created in the first four years of life. More over, there are only four types of major connections and by major, I mean, "character sized" connections wherein "character" means "affecting the whole person; every thought, feeling, action, and experience," and "connections" means the degree to which someone is aware there is an "us" in relationship..
What are these four character "types?" Type One, also known as a "Me"; Type Two, also known as a "You"; Type Three, also known as a "Me then You"; and Type Four, also known as a "You then Me."
To what do these labels refer? The type "number" refers to the year of life in which the styles of relationship connection gets created, Type One being created in the first year of life and so on. In other words, these type numbers refer to the year in which the connection was created in the person: One in the first year of life, Two in the second, Three in the third year of life, and Four in the fourth.
And the "me's" and "you's?" These words refer to two things and are accurately assessed only in relationship and when both people simultaneously have needs.
Common Family Type Relationship Connections
Common Friend Type Relationship Connections