Day 22: Once again, I am surprised by the wide variety of responses I have received during the past week. Two in particular stand out.
Both people have been working on themselves, including doing Emergence work, for some time now. Thus, they both began Food Month with many of the underlying principles in place already. Even so, what they have each reported to me is far from what I have expected.
For instance, one person told me only yesterday that since she began Food Month, that something strange has been happening to her stomach. It seems this person has been struggling with a reflux problem for years now. Further, she has been on and off medication for this problem a number of times. Each time she went off the medication, her symptoms returned. Each time, except for this time. This time, she went off the medication and none of her symptoms returned. No stomach problems! None at all!
To be honest, despite the fact that I know she is telling the truth and despite the fact that she is a very conscious woman, I still am surprised by this report. However I am also certain that conscious eating has at least been a part of what brought about this result, as even she herself attributed her relief to doing Food Month.
The second person's reporting is just as surprising. Again, this person has been struggling with a health problem for some time now, in her case, with lactose intolerance. And when she has tried to overlook this problem, she has paid a price. Her report? Since she began exploring conscious eating, she has been experiencing a significant decrease in her lactose intolerance.
Will these kinds of results generalize to others? At this point, I can not say. I only know these reports are not the only ones to contradict what we have been taught to believe about this type of healing.
Of course, at the other end of the spectrum, many of you have written me saying you have been struggling with all this, especially in light of the people reporting these kinds of results. For instance,
I'm debated about whether to stop trying to follow along or keep struggling, and I hate struggling. My rationale is that I started after everyone else, so I'm not going to be able to "get it", certainly not like everyone else.
And since that's what my belief is, that's what showed up this week. Frankly, I was conscious of my eating only two or three times. I was shocked when I was. I can identify with much of what many others said about rushing, etc. It's scary, actually.
However, since I really do seem to be blocking this out most of the time, I'm wondering if you think you're going to be doing this again - starting from the beginning. Maybe I'd have a stronger commitment, then. On the other hand, maybe this is just what it is, between full time work that includes travel, part time work, and school.
Any feedback would be greatly appreciated. Thank you!
And I wrote back, saying:
Well, it sounds as if you have already made some important gains; just recognizing how much of the time you are eating unconsciously is really an important realization.
Yes, I'm sure it feels quite unsettling. What the heck. No one else has even written about this problem let alone tried to see how far we can all help each other to heal it.
The good part is, if you can see the problem, you can heal it. The tough part is, it does require you to give yourself some gentle attention.
Bottom line is, if you are too overwhelmed to do this right now, you can always start again. And I would be glad to have you start the first of next month or whenever you want and I will gladly do my best to be here on the other end of whatever you find.
My main goal is to help people to heal, first, by being as directly involved with them as I can and second, by using what people report back to me from this to then help others.
The assignments and the transcripts are on my web site and you can read them anytime you are ready. And if you decide to continue now, doing just the amount you can manage now, this would be fine as well.
However you do this, there is no right or wrong; only healing. And no one gets graded here, so please don't worry.
And whatever you decide, please don't be hard on yourself. Write if you need to,
What I told this person, about beginning again next month, goes for anyone else who has been struggling to keep up here or to even begin. And I will be there for anyone who does this.
Why would I be willing to do this; to be supportive to people, many of which I have never even met? Because the more I explore this conscious eating thing, the more I realize what a potentially valuable thing it could be for so many people. And because when I was twenty, I sat alone, six feet from a hospital bed and listened to my mother choke and die. She was 5'7", forty nine years old, and weighted 70 pounds. And she died of anorexia long before the word was ever in the vernacular.
I don't have to tell you that this event has been one which has shaped much of my life. And even before things reached this point, I spent most of my life watching her try to affect her weight. With no positive results.
And who did she blame? Herself of course, just like most of us who struggle in either direction with weight and with food and with body image injuries. But what really causes these injuries? Even from the short time I have been exploring conscious eating, I know with certainty that what all these injuries have in common is shock in and around eating.
Finally, I really could identify and empathize with this person's response:
I was just about to sign off on a letter to you that I spent about an hour writing when my computer glitched and shut itself down thereby losing it all. I hope I will have the courage and clarity of mind not to mention the time to try again because I have a lot to say about all this. For now I will just say thank you for this deep karmic work you are guiding us all through in your gentle, kind way.
Oh, God, I have done this more times than I want to remember so I, for one, can very much relate to that agonizing moment when you see your hard earned words disappear. I have also inevitably rewritten these things later only to find that this process was an integral part of the healing. What am I saying?
I write everyday. I love writing. But a little less than six years ago, and for most of my life, I had such injuries in and around writing that I hated writing. So I avoided it.
In hindsight, I know, I was meant to heal this injury at just the right time. How did I heal it? A long story. But some of the more important experiences on my path from hating writing to loving writing were these losses; those moments wherein I knew I had something of value to express and the courage to get it out but then lost it in the last moments and feared I would never find the words again.
Sometimes, I still have this fear, for instance, when thoughts flood my inner life but I can not write them down as I am driving my car. But you know what happens each and every time? I get to sense more and more the help we all receive from what I call, "the beings not in bodies," the spirits who guide us, and assist us, and walk with us through every step of our lives.
I want to hear what you had to say. I sense and know it is important; to you, to me, and to others.
Thus, please try again, knowing that your "first draft" was for your guides' eyes and ears only, and that if they did not pull the plug, you would have missed out on some as yet unknown opportunity to heal and to learn to love yourself and others more.
And to all of you brave explorers who have yet to write, please know, your words may be the very words which help another to heal. Your words are important. Please write.
Good luck this week and God Bless,