It is there, even as I set out to write: the fear. It seems to await me whenever I endeavor to write. I want to write something that you connect with, that touches your soul and inspires you. I fear that I may fail. That fear gives birth to trying hard to “say it right”, which in turn chokes off the life of what is trying to be written. Often I will opt out of this pain and get involved in anything else but the pain. For the sake of each of us, I will try to hold on long enough to let go.
It is my desire, in this workshop to redefine what it means to be
aware and what it means to change. Being aware of what we may need
to change often gets the glory and attention. It usually involves the
elimination of symptoms, but that falls short of true healing. Often,
knowing what you need to change doesn't count for shit; as in the times
where you may with know “better”, but make the same mistake
over and over again. Knowing what you need to change counts far less
than most people imagine. In fact, knowing or not knowing doesn't really
Take for instance this leaflet I am writing, I was all gung ho until I sat down to write it, then the fear awoke, I suddenly had the need to check the e-mail, get a drink, clean the desk, surf the net; anything but surrender myself to the pain and aloneness I experience whenever I endeavor to write something that I want you to think highly of. It hurt a great deal to get to this point; I feared the fear would be too much for me. I choose to hold on till I could let go long enough for my voice to emerge. The choice has remained to keep on writing this thanks to my connection with the people who love me and who have born witness to my struggles, and who have been my allies as I have struggled to become.
Even as I state this, I become distracted by it and begin to loss my focus. The pain is there again. It hurts to make a mistake. So be it. I offer you my struggle that you may see what I offer in this weekend workshop. Essentially, I offer you the opportunity to discover the missing pieces of what blocks your ability to change and with the help of other men, your keepers, to arrive at a place wherein you can begin to access a new truth about yourself. A new strength as it is seen in your ability to share your struggle with others and to better stay connected. The expectation that we do “it” by ourselves is insanity.
For I have learned that the power to change comes from the ability to experience our aloneness and the courage to connect with others without apology, blame, or explanation. It is painful to feel the pain, have an impulse and sit with it and suffer. It is painful to have something to say and not know how to say it. It is painful to know something and be afraid that I may not be able to teach it. It is scary to present a workshop that no one may attend, yet I am worth the pain of it and so are you. To do less than this is to live in fear; and I have had enough of that, and I hope you have too. So please join us in the New Year, with your resolutions in hand and see if we can heal what Blocks us from being the Men we aspire to be, who live in a world we dream of living in.
The price of the workshop is $175 payable to
Fire Mountain, Inc. This price includes the workshop fee, room
and board. As insurance against last minute bail-outs, there is
a $75 non-refundable deposit required of all participants. For
reservations and questions, call Ed D'Urso at 845-893-3160.